


so if you jump kid, don't be scared to fall

by orphan_account



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: HeartGold & SoulSilver | Pokemon HeartGold & SoulSilver Versions
Genre: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ), Anxiety Disorder, Drinking, Friends to Lovers, Inferiority Complex, Kinda, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, angst with happy ending, hints of sleeping together, teenage angst, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 02:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10777446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Silver loves tentatively, with closed eyes and a closed heart-always teetering on the edge. Gold gives him everything he has, and swears the he won't let him fall of the ledge. Little does he know, he's the abyss below.





	so if you jump kid, don't be scared to fall

**Author's Note:**

> crystal is wonderful and beautiful and whoever says otherwise needs to stfu also let’s pretend the population in Johto is like in the 5,000’s and not the completely unrealistic 383 (I think) in game verse and hint hint this story also takes place after game verse happy reading. they're all in their 20's don't worry they're drinking responsibly because i'm a good kid
> 
> silver has panic disorder and lots of teenage angst, and um, gold’s taller in this one, just so you know

Silver feels the panic attack coming before it actually does. Gold is off, talking to some pretty girl who’s one of the Gym workers, and Silver’s heart rate is starting to pick up.

His eyes dart to the doors, thinking that he needs to get out of here before he causes a scene and he breathes in once, twice, to calm himself down.

Gold is still talking to the girl, and Silver’s head is starting to hurt. He thinks of calling out because Gold would help him, he definitely would, but he looks like he’s having a good time and Silver doesn’t want to be a burden.

His vision spots and he pushes his way out the doors. There’s a policeman at the doors and he can’t breathe— _ohmygod_. This happens all the time, but every time it still feels like he’s dying. His chest heaves and he sinks to his knees, gasping.

There are footsteps ringing in his head, someone asking if he’s alright. Silver can’t focus, he’s shaking so much he can barely keep himself upright. There’s an unfamiliar hand touching down on his shoulder and he jerks and starts coughing so violently he starts choking.

_Oh my god someone help me please._

He braces himself with his elbow on the floor, the dirty floor, but he can’t bring himself to worry about that now. He hits his forehead on something cold, he can’t tell if it was the gym doors or the floor, everything is spinning.

He still can’t breathe and it feels like he’s dying.

Someone grabs him and Silver seizes up, shuddering and trying to breath, to calm down.

Someone’s voice rings in the back of his head and Silver registers it, it sounds familiar. There’s a hand steadying him, pulling him upright as he gasps and coughs, choking on his own spit again because he went up too fast.

He tastes something salty and realizes he’s crying.

The hand runs along his back soothingly, comforting and Silver quakes. “Get the fuck,” he stutters before coughing again, “ _off me_.” Except it comes out sounding more like “ _help me_ ” and if Silver could stop fucking _shaking_ , he would wince.

This kind of weakness is unlike Silver, too vulnerable, too prone to comfort and wanting of affection, too touch-starved.

The familiar black and gold cap comes into focus and Gold smiles, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’ve got you, you’re okay.” He says, Silver doesn’t know if he imagined it or not.

Silver shudders again and lets Gold stand him up, an arm around his waist, the other under his arm and circling around his back protectively. “You’re okay.” Gold whispers, the ringing in the back of his head clearing out, and Silver believes him.

He inhales shakily, but at least he can breathe now. Gold sways him, shushing him, and Silver thinks he’s humming, he _is_ humming. It’s a lullaby that Silver doesn’t know, but he’s not trembling anymore, just gripping onto Gold like he’s his lifeline, and sometimes Silver thinks he is.

When his breathing has dulled down to nothing but the occasional hiccup, Gold pulls away slightly. “Why didn’t you come to me?” He asks, still rubbing comforting circles into Silver’s back.

Silver takes a minute to think. Why _hadn’t_ he gone to Gold? Then he remembers the pretty girl back at the gym and he pulls away entirely. “You were busy.” He says stoically, staring at his feet.

Gold sighs, almost exasperated. “Silver, you know you’re always first.”

Silver knows he’s not, but he won’t tell Gold that. “Yeah, okay.” There’s an awkward silence punctuated by a hiccup and Silver scowls at the floor, there’s a crowd of people whispering and he can’t deal with this right now. His eyes hurt, and embarrassingly, he thinks his nose is running. “I’m going home.” He mutters, shoving his hands in pockets and stalking away. His knees are shaky, and he think he bruised them when he went down.

Gold starts after him. “Come on man, I’ll go with you.”

Silver’s scowl deepens. “I don’t need you to _babysit_ me Gold.” Gold stops walking and Silver stops too, looking back inquisitively, still pressing his lips in a thin line. “Gold?”

Gold rubs at his eyes and Silver realizes that he’s on the verge of tears. “Sorry, I’m fine it’s just—” Silver stops frowning and takes a subconscious step towards him. Gold never cries, Silver hasn’t seen him cry since they were kids. “I wish you’d rely on me more.” He finishes, sniffing and letting out a weak laugh that’s more a sob.

Silver twitches his sleeve, trying to swallow the guild wedged in his throat. Gold hadn’t meant to neglect Silver, Silver would talk to pretty girls too (if he were into them). “Come on,” he says quietly and Gold perks up. “let’s go.” Silver jerks his head to the path.

Gold smiles at him, but it still doesn’t seem to reach his eyes.

**

When the guard looks at him, something in Silver’s stomach drops. Gold had invited to go clubbing, said he was too uptight, teased him and brushed his hand through Silver’s hair, and Silver couldn’t refuse. He had had compunctions, ruminated about the fact that with Silver, things would probably go terribly wrong. But Gold happened to always overshadow his better judgement, and now they were standing outside in the cold, a security guard very blatantly not letting them pass, eyes narrowed in accusation at Silver and the apparent threat he brought.

There’s a line of people behind them, shuffling and starting to become impatient. Gold is saying something, arguing.

Silver listens closely enough to hear a ‘team rocket’, and ‘Giovanni’ in their fighting. The guard crosses his arms, but Gold doesn’t look like he’s going to budge either. Silver curls inward on himself in the corner, feeling insignificant.

He knows he’s Giovanni’s son, knows that he doesn’t have the most perfect record, but he’s changed, and it’s been at least five years since he’s had anything to even do with Team Rocket. But the guard doesn’t seem like he’s going to give in, and there are people murmuring behind him, and Silver is starting to feel like he’s going to throw up.

Silver hunches over even further and inhales sharply. There’s a sharp pain in his gut as he tries to hollow out the noise. “Gold—” He starts, but the other doesn’t seem to hear him, just keeps on arguing with the guard who’s starting to turn red.

“Gold—” He tries again but Gold won’t even pause to listen, doesn’t so much as spare a glance and Silver is about to lose it. “ _Gold_.” He grits, loud enough that the guard turns to him too.

Silver realizes that he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say, speechless for a second before he squeezes Gold’s arm tentatively. “It’s okay, look, we can go.”

The guard crosses his arms, almost triumphantly and Gold hesitates. Silver thinks he’s convinced him that it doesn’t matter whether or not they get into the party, that there’s no point. But then Gold’s not walking away but turning to the guard instead and _oh no—_

“Gold don’t—” Silver sputters as he pulls the guard by the collar and slams him against the wall. There’s a collective gasp from the line behind them. “We fucking paid for the tickets,” Gold seethes, “and we’re fucking going to get our money’s worth, so get rid of your fucking heebie jeebies because he,” he jabs a finger at Silver’s chest and Silver flushes, “might be the son of the head of Team Rocket but he certainly isn’t fucking _part_ of Team Rocket.”

The guard looks about ready to explode before he wrenches Gold off of him and scowls. “Leave before I report you.” The words are low, meant as a threat and Silver pulls on Gold’s sleeve.

“Gold, the party doesn’t matter,” he swallows, almost frantic at this point, “it’s not worth it come on—”

Gold whips around and shuts Silver up with a look because his eyes are _blazing._ “It does matter because you’re worth it, _you’re fucking worth it Silver_.”

The intensity of the words make Silver shudder. It sounds like something out a romantic drama, something the guy says to the girl when she’s crying. But Silver isn’t that girl, and Gold most definitely won’t ever be the guy. Even so, his ears burn and he turns his head away. “Let’s go.” He chokes out, voice cracking.

Gold, so tense before, loosens when he hears the tears building up behind the words. He shakes Silver off, briefly fixing the guard with a disdainful look, then storms away, stewing.

Silver is stricken, frozen before he glances apologetically at a very disgusted guard and chases after his friend. By the time he’s caught up, Gold is already halfway down the street, looking like he’s ready to kill the next person who happens to come near him. Despite the apparent threat of his appearance, Silver catches him and grabs him by the shoulder anyways.

Gold veers around, the look in his eyes livid. “ _What?_ ”

Silver’s voice cracks again. “If you want to go back you can, he’ll definitely let you in if you apologize—” He stops talking when he sees the unforgiving look on Gold’s face. He’s scared that he might start crying except he can’t, he won’t let Gold see him.

Gold shakes him off so violently that Silver stumbles. “You’re so fucking _hopeless_.” He seethes before he turns around and starts walking again.

Silver stays rooted to the ground, and now he thinks he might actually cry. Ruining his own night is acceptable even though it sucks, but _Gold_. He ruined Gold’s too. He stumbles forward, desperate to give an apology, desperate for forgiveness. “Gold—” he starts again but Gold doesn’t even slow, just keeps walking too fast for Silver to keep up, especially when his eyes are starting to blur.

Silver’s heart hurts and his throat closes in on itself. He can’t let him leave now, what if he never forgives him? Gold is the closest thing he has to a friend, Gold is the only one who’s stayed. “Gold, I’m _sorry_.” He pushes out, he blinks and something trails down his cheek, something he refuses to call crying.

At this, Gold turns around and stops. “You’re always fucking sorry, but you’re never sorry about the right things!” He’s far away enough that he needs to shout to be heard, and Silver swallows and contemplates going forward, but if he does Gold will see his face, realize how much of a baby he is so he doesn’t do anything but listen.

“You give in whenever there’s conflict because you don’t want to deal with it but you don’t understand that the more you give in, the more people will push until you don’t have any _fucking breathing room_.” Gold sucks in a breath, starts talking again, but Silver has stopped listening because he knows that he’s a coward, doesn’t need to be told to realize.

Gold starts walking towards him and he hiccups, panicked as he furiously wipes his eyes and tries to cover up the mess he’s made. When Gold reaches him, he places his hands on his shoulders to still the shaking caused by Silver’s gasping, failed attempts to control himself.

“Silver, just let me _do_ something for you.” Gold bends over slightly so they’re eye level, trying to get Silver to look at him.

Silver won’t, he can’t be seen like this. He can already imagine what his father would say when he found out that Silver had been crying outside, in _public_ where anybody could see him.

Gold starts to pry his hands away and Silver puts up a fight, he does, but in the past years Gold has started to build muscle, has become much stronger than Silver could ever be. He hasn’t been drinking, but the fingers pushing Gold back are sluggish and feel like they’ve been drugged. Gold stares at him and Silver’s eyes flicker to his mouth before he turns away again, trying to wipe his nose with the fabric covering his shoulder.

“Silver,” Gold implores, voice sweet because he must know that Silver can never say no to him. Not when he says his name like that, like he’s important, like he’s cherished.

Gold looks so sincere, so sweet when Silver turns around that he reflexively relaxes, sinks towards him as the other steadies him.

“Let me _help_ you.” He whispers, like it’s a secret.

Silver takes in a shuddering breath before he pushes Gold off him, keeping him at arm’s length to make sure he doesn’t leave, but doesn’t get too close either because Arceus knows what he’d do if their faces were only millimeters apart.

There, under the faint glow of a lamppost, Silver calms himself down with Gold standing next to him—almost protectively—until he’s steady enough to talk again.

**

Silver’s cleaning his things when he comes across the red and black fabric he’s come to know as Gold’s signature, and favorite, jacket.

He reaches for it, hesitating before pulling it towards him and inhaling. Initially, Gold had offered it to him on a cold day, and Silver had taken it, saying that he was only doing so because of the cold, definitely not because he wanted to know what it felt like to wear it—to be surrounded by Gold’s scent. (Also, in the past few months where’s he had it, it’s served as very good jack-off material.)

When he’d offered to return it, Gold had waved him off, grinning. _Nah, come on, keep it, think of it as free merch._

Over time, Gold has gotten so famous that he has his own line of merchandise; stuff like Gold figurines, Gold jackets, anything the company could think of. Some people thought he was pretentious for doing so, but Silver has been to Gold’s house when they were younger and still starting out. Silver has seen the way Gold lived, no father, just a single mother who worked hard to keep the two running and Silver can understand why Gold wants the money—to support his family.

When he’d been there the contract day, Gold had wavered, looking to Silver.

_Should I?_

Silver had frowned, not understanding at first and thinking _no, you shouldn’t,_ which also may have been because he thought the contractor was annoying, before he saw Gold’s eyes flit to his Pokegear, his mother’s face smiling up at him and realized.

 _Yeah, I support you._ Silver had said, and when Gold grinned it had been so, so worth it. 

Silver finds him looking at himself in the mirror, and caught up in the moment, pulls Gold’s jacket on, just to see what it looks like. It doesn’t fit him because it’s a size too big, but it doesn’t look bad either.

Silver isn’t bad looking, from an objective standpoint, and he’s pretty tall too (though not as tall as Gold). Whereas Gold is, well, Gold is _gold_. He’s tall and handsome, which might not have been as evident when they were 10 year old’s, but now Gold’s got the face (and body) of somebody who could be a billboard icon. And now he _is_ a billboard icon because he’s the champion of the region and everyone knows him for it.

Crystal’s always said that Silver’s the dark and mysterious type and plenty of girls love that, but Silver doesn’t want girls, he wants _Gold_. And its Gold who’s the outgoing, charming one, the one that girls giggle at and wave to when he flashes them a smile.

When they were younger, the boldness of Gold’s personality used to annoy Silver because it was more obnoxious and immature, but over the years it’s turned into something charismatic.

Silver can’t possibly compete with that.

And Gold and Crystal—Gold and Crystal look _good_ together, he thinks bitterly, feeling the taste on his tongue. They look so insanely good together it makes Silver’s heart hurt. Gold deserves a kind, smart girl who knows what she’s doing, and he’ll get someone _like_ Crystal if he doesn’t go _for_ Crystal.

He definitely doesn’t want someone like Silver, who’s always behind, who always seems out of place whenever they’re walking together, who can’t come close to beating Gold in a battle, who’s always following Gold’s shadow, who can’t even control his own fear and has panic attacks at the most unfortunate times.

Silver wouldn’t want Gold to go for Silver either. (Ha, like he would.) Gold deserves so much better than a brooding, antisocial _boy_ who can’t even control his own disgusting feelings.

Huffing angrily to himself, Silver pulls off the jacket and stuffs it in the corner, hoping he won’t have to see it again.

**

When Gold had invited Silver to go out, he’d thought it would only be the two of them. He was stupid to think so, he thinks bitterly, as he watches Crystal and Gold chatting animatedly next to each other by the bar.

Silver has been standing alone, assimilating himself into the crowd of people and sipping his drink. He doesn’t know how many he’s had, but it must have been multiple, considering the ground is swaying.

Silver looks towards the dancefloor, to Gold and Crystal who are laughing, swaying next to each other and his heart clogs in his throat. What had he expected? For Gold to come up to him and ask him dance, maybe put his arms around Silver’s waist and whisper something sweet into his ear? He always does this, builds up hope even though he’s perfectly aware that none of the scenarios he concocts in his head will ever happen.

He sets down his drink and straightens, scrunching his eyes shut when the room spins. He’s had too much to drink and he’s going to do something stupid if he stays any longer, so he pushes his way through the crowd towards the exit.

He almost looks back to see if Gold is following him, but by now he knows that the there’s no point in hoping.

Bitterly, he thinks that if he were in one of those romantic movies that Crystal always likes watching, Gold _would_ come after him. And if they were in the movie and Silver was the protagonist, Gold would probably kiss him too.

When he’s outside, he keens over the bridge railing and empties his guts into the bushes below. He’s definitely drank too much, he thinks vaguely, reprimanding himself as he rubs his temple. Then he sinks to the floor and rests his forehead against the cool metal of the rail and wishes that Gold were with him.

He spends a few minutes trying to think coherently and maybe sober up. He has a thought of going back and drinking himself silly, but then he thinks that he’ll probably have to see Crystal and Gold again and thinks better of it.

Even then, he tries to get up, stumbling to his feet, thinking that he needs to get himself together before going home. Except he can’t even see straight right now, and he feels too hot even though there’s wind outside. He trips and falls, scraping his elbow as he goes, wincing as he gives up and stares up at the sky. He must be really drunk if he can’t even walk a few feet.

His heart aches.

He wants Gold.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there with his eyes shut, but he opens them when he hears a familiar voice that he can’t pinpoint.

Off in the distance, someone calls his name and he blearily opens his eyes.

“Silver? Silver!” There’s a blur moving next to him, kneeling down and Silver takes a minute to focus on the face, then realizes _oh_ , it’s _Gold_.

Wow, he must be really drunk if he’s starting to hallucinate.

Gold says something quickly and Silver needs to run it over again in his head to understand. It’s something along the lines of; “are you okay?”

Silver just blinks at him, speechless because he can’t believe that Gold came after him. “Gold.”

Gold arches an eyebrow, propping Silver up with a hand. “Yeah?”

Silver blinks again before he starts giggling— _giggling_ —gosh he really did drink too much. “You came after me.” He says, drawling the words before he leans forward and collapses against Gold’s chest. He can hear his heartbeat from here, steady and low.

He curses himself for thinking that it’s exactly like the romantic comedies that he also secretly likes to watch.

Gold laughs, and is that good? Laughing is good, Silver thinks to himself. “Dude, I’ll always come after you.” He whispers as he sits down beside Silver in the grass.

Silver starts giggling again, “Hey.” he slurs, so deliriously happy he can’t even form a sentence.

“Hey yourself.” Gold replies good naturedly.

Gold came after him. _Gold came after him._

He jerks back to reality when Gold starts talking again.

“You want to come back and dance with me and Crystal?” He shifts and Silver moves with him, still glued to his chest.

Silver stops smiling at that. “Crystal and me.” He corrects before he pauses. “No, I don’t like Crystal.”

Gold laughs again. “It doesn’t have to be romantic dude, you can dance as friends.”

Silver looks up at him. _I’d like to dance with you, romantically,_ he thinks. “I don’t like girls.” By this point, he doesn’t even know what he’s saying.

Gold freezes and Silver registers that he’s said something weird, something bad and he tries to get up, panicked.

“Gold—” He starts but Gold cuts him off.

“You like guys?”

Silver quiets before he turns away from Gold and looks to the bridge. Gold must catch up on the implied _yes_ underneath his silence, because he starts to get up and Silver panics for a second, thinking that he’s disgusted, he’s going to leave, that he needs to lie and deny that he’s gay right now before he ruins everything, but Gold’s picking him up too.

“That’s chill, come on, let’s go back and dance.” Gold is smiling, eyes folding at the edges like he does whenever he’s happy and Silver melts into him, knees buckling. Gold catches him, caught off guard but keeps on moving anyways.

“You’re not scared I’ll do something to you?”

Gold makes a face before smiling. “No, I trust you man.” He grins and Silver finds his gaze drifting to his mouth, his lips, thinking of how nice it’d be to kiss him, before Gold catches his focus again.

“Let’s go.”

Silver’s eyes drift to Gold’s collarbone, _you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t trust me,_ he thinks. There’s a voice in the back of his head telling him that he needs to get away and create some distance before he does something stupid, but honestly, he’s still trying to comprehend the fact that Gold _came after him._ He lets him lead Silver back to the club, blushing furiously and hoping that Gold will mistake it for the alcohol.

**

Silver groans and tastes bile in his throat.

His hangover from last night isn’t even that bad, he can remember everything pretty clearly (which he wishes he couldn’t because dear Arceus was he cringy), what makes it terrible is that he’s sick.

He has a 102 degree fever and he can’t even move his head to look around his room and he’s alone and hungry and miserable and he can feel a migraine coming on.

He must be really out of it because he can’t even _think_ in grammatically correct sentences.

Silver doesn’t mind being alone, what he minds is being alone in his time of _fucking need damn it_. Of all the days this could happen, it had to be today. Maybe he stayed outside for too long yesterday, but that wasn’t entirely his fault, meaning, if Gold hadn’t been dancing with Crystal, he wouldn’t have gone outside and he wouldn’t have gotten sick.

Silver groans and weakly rolls to his side, noise muffled by his pillow. What does it matter who Gold danced with? Silver’s the one who got himself sick, he needs to think more rationally. His head hurts and now he’s thinking about Gold and Crystal and this was not how he imagined this day would go. With little difficulty, he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

 

There’s a beeping, intermittent in the back of his head and when Silver wakes up, he doesn’t know if he’s been sleeping for twenty minutes or twenty hours with how disoriented he feels. He recognizes the beeping as his pokegear and opens his eyes, blinking and seeing that it’s starting to grow dark outside.

He jolts and moans when the phone rings again, pain spiking in his head. Pushing himself up and reaching for the nightstand, Silver picks up the phone with great difficulty and brings it to his ear. “Hello?” If wincing didn’t hurt his head, he would have because _Arceus_ he sounds awful and he needs water.

Gold starts spewing nonsense on the other end and Silver flinches from how fast he’s talking. “-kay whoever the fuck you think you are I’m coming for you because I’m going to kill you if you’ve done anything to him Arceus help you and you better fucking tell me where he is right now or I’m going to kill you I have an Espeon you know and he can track you down so either you sit your scrawny behind down and patiently give me your current address and—”

Silver blinks and grimaces at the taste of his tongue. “Gold.” He croaks.

“-I’m going to fucking _kill_ you if you hurt him you hear me? And if you have even better because then I’m going to rip your intestines out and _choke you with them because I don’t appreciate whatever you’re doing—”_

“ _Gold._ ” Silver pushes the sound out of his throat, voice scratchy. “What the _fuck_ are you saying?”

Finally, the voice on the other end pauses and Silver can almost hear the puzzled look that’s most definitely on Gold’s face. “Silver?”

Silver shivers, _because it’s cold,_ he tells himself, but honestly, it’s more from the way Gold said his name; reverent and hopeful and relieved, like he can’t believe that he’s alright. Despite that, he is still very angry that Gold disturbed his sleep. “Yeah?” He croaks, scrunching his forehead.

“Thank the lords Silver you’re alright-I-Crystal! He’s okay!”

Somewhere in the background he can hear a more female voice go: “I told you!”

Gold’s voice gets quieter, pulling back from the phone. “What-you, you did not tell me! I had a legitimate reason to be worried, he didn’t answer my calls _fourteen times_!”

A muffled: “probably sleeping because of his hangover!”

Silver groans and puts the phone on speaker, opting to just listen. Crystal’s not wrong, it was partially because of his hangover and-Silver pauses, realizing that Gold’s with Crystal, again. And he wasn’t even invited. He pouts like a four-year-old and takes the phone, preparing to hang up.

“Wha-Silver always answers my calls, always!” Gold is still shouting and Silver rolls his eyes but immediately regrets it because now he thinks his headache is coming back.

_Idiot, you can’t get a headache from rolling your eyes._

“Yeah, after the tenth time!” Crystal fires back and Silver frowns.

That’s not entirely true, it’s more like Gold usually never has anything substantial to say whenever he calls him, and Silver doesn’t really use his Pokegear because, well, nobody ever calls him aside from Gold. “Hello? I’m still alive.” He snaps, grumbling again, still bitter about his nonexistent invitee.

“Silver are you okay? You didn’t answer my calls and we were so worried you wouldn’t believe—” Gold starts talking again and Silver squeezes his eyes shut.

“Stop. Talking. So. Fucking. Fast.” He grits. He hears a: “here, let me talk to him,” that is distinctly Crystal, then a very un-dignifying yelp, followed by a “hey!” which must be Gold.

Crystal takes the phone and starts talking. “Hey Silver, sorry about that.”

Silver scowls, still trying to get over how _he wasn’t invited_. “You’re not his mother.” He mumbles angrily.

“What was that?” Crystal asks from the other side.

“I said it’s no bother!” Silver yells, but not really, because his head still hurts.

He hears Crystal laugh, he thinks, then Gold protesting in the background and an angry hiss that sounds suspiciously like: “ _go watch the_ _stove_.”

Crystal and Gold are having dinner together, and _he wasn’t invited_.

“Sorry, Gold’s being really annoying, even though he was really worried about you.” Silver grunts, closing his eyes and wishing that Crystal would hang up already. “He’s so over-dramatic you know? You didn’t answer his calls like, twice and he freaked. He came up with this whole idea that you’d been kidnapped and that we had to go save you. Then after, I don’t know, the seventh time he really thought that something bad had happened to you, but I told him to keep calling and you should’ve seen him, he looked like he was going to cry.” There’s a huff on the other side of the line and Silver opens his eyes, almost touched that Gold was that worried—aside from the fact that _he didn’t invite Silver to have dinner with him and Crystal._

“He was so worked up I was starting to get anxiety and you know, that didn’t bode well so I banished him to the living room—” _Gold’s living room._ Silver thinks sulkily. “and he called you a dozen more times before you picked up—I thought he was going to kiss the ground.”

“How sweet.” Silver drawls, even though he doesn’t think it’s very sweet at all.

“And—Silver, are you okay? You sound terrible.”

Silver glares at the phone even though there’s nobody to glare at. “No, I am not okay, thank you for noticing.”

“Geez, don’t be such a grump about it. Are you sick? Do you want me to come over and make you something?”

Silver makes a face that nobody sees. “Yes. No. have fun with Gold.” He cringes the minute he says it. At least in his head it didn’t sound stupid, or like he was a jealous twelve-year-old (even though he really is).

There’s a clatter and Crystal shrieks. “ _Gold!_ I told you to _watch the stove!_ ”

Gold’s voice cuts through the clamor. “Silver? You’re sick? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Silver actually rolls his eyes this time. _Because you didn’t ask._ Except he doesn’t say that because he knows he’ll regret it later, when his head doesn’t feel like a human vibrator. “Bye.” He says a little too forcefully, but he’s already cut off the call before he can apologize.

He’d expected the silence to be nice, but it feels empty and he’s swept with a wave of loneliness.

He falls asleep, his ears still buzzing.

Gold doesn’t call again.

**

Silver wakes up again even more disgruntled than before, and this time it’s not because of a phone but a person instead.

A person which he most certainly did not invite in.

The room is dark, and they don’t seem like they’ve noticed Silver yet so he opts to stay quiet. His pokegear is on the table, and he’ll need to turn the light on to get it.

There’s a quiet shuffling and Silver holds his breath. They could at least do it quickly if they were to kidnap him. He almost laughs but holds it in last minute, thinking of how ironic it is that Gold thought he had been kidnapped. _Fulfill the prophecy._

As quietly as he can, he reaches for Crobat’s pokeball, waiting to see if the robber/burglar-whatever it is, is going to get along and actually kill him.

After an awkward minute, there’s a bump and someone hisses an “ow” and Silver has just about had it.

“Will you just get _going_ already? I don’t have anything valuable here—” The light goes on and Silver groans, suddenly blinded. His eyes take a quick second to adjust and when they do he sees—

“ _Gold?_ ” Just like he said, it is Gold, who looks very guilty, and is also holding a pot of something Silver can’t make out. “What the fuck are you doing in my apartment? Wha-how the fuck did you get in here? I never gave you any keys.”

Gold sets down the pot and scratches his neck sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry. Did I wake you up?” He looks at Silver’s face and nervously laughs. “Right, um, stupid question. I—you know, I was worried so, I er—”

Silver scowls and pushes his blankets off, his vision spots as he sits up. “What the _fuck_.”

Gold waves his hands furiously. “Look I was really worried about you and so I came over but I didn’t have keys but the landlady was really nice and gave them to me and I was planning on surprising you in the morning with food,” he makes a vague gesture at the pot, “but I wasn’t very quiet and woke you up which I figured was probably going to happen cause I’m not very stealthy and—”

“Stop _talking_.” Silver seethes as he stands up, wobbling a little. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Gold shuts up immediately and looks at the floor. “Er, um, three AM, ish?”

Silver stares at him incredulously. “And the landlady _still_ let you in?”

He laughs, a frantic chitter. “Um, yeah. I think she recognized me, as you know, Gold.”

Silver really needs to talk to the landlady about security because what the fuck, it’s three AM and Gold is here at three AM. In all of Silver’s sick fantasies Gold is usually up with him at three AM for _very_ different reasons. “I’m going to brush my teeth.” He mutters, pushing past Gold who steps aside like he has the plague, which he feels like he does.

When he comes back, Gold has pulled a bowl from his kitchen and offers it to him. “Crystal made soup for you, and I helped, sort of.”

Silver blinks and takes the bowl, warm with liquid and sits down on his bed. Gold awkwardly hands him a spoon, looking like he has something to say. He glances nervously at Silver and bites his lip and Silver rolls his eyes. “Just sit _down_ already.”

Gold grins and eases himself next to Silver a little too eagerly, their shoulders touching. “Yeah, okay.” Silver flushes but hides it by burying his face in the soup and shoveling it into his mouth because _fuck_ he’s ravenous. There’s a silence for a few minutes as Silver stuffs himself full and a resounding clatter as he sets the bowl down on the nightstand. He ignores personal hygiene and wipes his mouth with his hand because he’s sick, he’s allowed to do that.

Without warning, Gold wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him down.

“Gold what the fuck—” Silver starts, blushing a furious red, but Gold silences him with a finger to his lips and an aggravating ‘shhhh.’

“I’m tired.” He murmurs in a small voice. Silver huffs, but he lets Gold hold him, because, well, Gold is _holding him_. He’ll probably never get this chance again.

“What’d you do at Crystal’s house?” Silver asks—not bitterly at all, he might add—mouth dangerously close to brushing the hair on Gold’s scalp.

Gold hums and shifts so his face is pressed to Silver’s chest. “Not much, it was boring without you there.” Silver reminds himself not to gloat. “I tried to call you to invite you, but you wouldn’t answer and I got really worried.”

Absentmindedly, Silver brings his hand up and plays with Gold’s hair. “Did you now?” He asks, just to keep the conversation going.

Gold purrs, _purrs_ , and Silver’s face gets even hotter. “Yeah, I thought you’d died.” He laughs, rumbling against Silver’s chest. “Good thing you didn’t.”

“Yeah, good thing.” Silver replies, but he isn’t really listening at this point, still trying to let it sink in that Gold is in his apartment, at three AM in the morning, _holding him_. Maybe this is compensation for how shitty he feels.

There’s a soft snore and Silver flinches. “Gold what the fuck, we can’t fall asleep like this.” It comes out as a furious whisper.

Gold jerks and looks up, blinking rapidly. “Wha-why, why not?”

Silver pushes him off and Gold gropes at his sleeves. “Because it’s awkward.”

Gold huffs and pulls Silver back to him. “ _I_ don’t think it’s awkward.”

“It _is_.” Silver protests, _especially when I get a hard-on_.

Gold closes his eyes and gives him a squeeze. “I’m protecting you from all the germs that got you sick.”

“I have a fever, and that’s not how it works Gold. Let me go _damn it_.”

Gold ignores him and mumbles an indignant ‘ _no_.’

“I’m going to get you sick!” Silver protests.

He opens an eye and looks at him, incredulous. “No you’re not, that’s not how a fever works.” Silver splutters, but nothing really comes out and he deflates as Gold squeezes his waist. “Sleep.” He mutters, an order.

Silver shudders and closes his eyes, trying to ignore how stuffy his head feels. He starts drifting, and right before he falls asleep, he vaguely hears Gold snore.

**

It’s a nice Saturday morning, and Gold and Silver are at the small café they always go to whenever they have nothing else to do.

Gold sits down across from Silver, grinning. “Hey, you know that dance I was invited to? The one with the plus one?”

Silver fakes nonchalance and glances at him. “What about?” For a second, he thinks that Gold might ask him, but he shoots the idea down before it can gain ground.

“I’m thinking of going with Crystal, you know, just for kicks.”

Silver forgets to breathe, wondering why Gold’s asking him. Is it for consent? Approval? Silver’s friends with Crystal, and he can see why Gold would ask him for approbation to date her.

He realizes that Gold’s still looking at him expectantly, the amused light in his eyes dimming as Silver doesn’t answer. “Are you—are you dating her?” He asks, even though he doesn’t want to hear the answer.

Gold blinks, laughs. “What, no.” He shrugs. “I mean, not really.” He seems to wince at his own response, but Silver is too busy staring at the ground and trying to tune out his feelings. He has to be happy for Gold, he owes him at least that much. Silver saw this coming, he tells himself, and Crystal is great—Crystal is _perfect_ for Gold. He wonders why he ever thought otherwise.

“You should go.” He says, straining his voice to be heard. He tries desperately to keep the desperate tone hidden and thankfully, Gold doesn’t seem to pick up on it.

Silver doesn’t know what face he’s making, but Gold must notice because he frowns. “You okay?”

Silver turns away so Gold can’t see his face. “Yeah, I’m fine. You two—you two will look good together.”

Gold leans towards Silver and his frown deepens. “No, you’re not, Silver stop trying to change the subject.” When Silver doesn’t say anything, he keeps on talking. “Do you like Crystal? Because if you do, then I won’t go with her.”

Silver whips around, because how could he be so _stupid_? How could he not tell? “No, I’m not in love with Crystal.” He snaps, which doesn’t help with convincing Gold. “I’m _fine_.” He grits through his teeth.

“You’re not. You look like someone just stabbed you.”

Silver squeezes his eyes shut and breathes, trying to calm himself down. _You did, you stabbed me._

“Silver, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Silver glares at him, starting to get up. “Help by _not talking_.” He spits. Gold grabs his things and starts after him as Silver walks off, trying to get away, to go somewhere anywhere but here.

 _Today was supposed to be a good day,_ he thinks bitterly.

Gold grabs his arm and wrenches him back. “Silver, just tell me what’s _wrong_.”

Silver looks at Gold, livid, and the dam he’s so carefully constructed breaks. “ _Fine,_ ” he says with so much disdain that Gold flinches. “ _this_ is what’s wrong.” Then he grabs Gold by the collar and kisses him.

Before Gold can react, Silver pulls away, horrified with what he’s done.

Gold blinks, stunned. “Silver—” he starts, but Silver doesn’t wait to listen, just turns around and starts running.

“Silver!” He hears Gold call after him, footsteps picking up. “ _Silver!”_

“Leave me alone!” Silver screeches, voice cracking as he sprints, hands fumbling with his bag as he calls Crobat out, eyes blurring.

He starts crying once they’re in the air, where no one can see him.

Part of him hopes that Gold will follow him, part of him hopes that Gold will catch up and kiss him and tell him he like Silver too, but there’s no sound of wings taking flight behind him, no indication that anyone has followed him, probably because Silver has ruined _everything_.

Silver remembers the time when Gold told him he’d always come after him.

_You liar._

He hopes Gold will come after him.

He doesn’t.

**

Silver holes himself up at a nearby hotel because if he goes home, Gold will probably find him. He breaks his Pokegear after the seventh message from Gold and the third call from Crystal and blocks out the outside world for two weeks.

He knows he’s acting like a teenage girl but he really can’t bring himself to care.

He also burns all the photos he has of Gold and is about to burn the jacket he gave him, but feels bad and chooses to pace around his room for a couple of hours instead.

After the two-week mark, Silver has officially run out of survival food and is tired of the hotel dinners, so he heads to the Pokemart, hoping that he won’t see anyone he knows—especially Gold—on the way there.

Everything is going fine for, like, two minutes before curse his luck, he sees the familiar cap and jacket and Silver doesn’t even try to be stealthy, just makes a mad dash for door and hopes the other won’t see him. Except Gold does, catches his eye right as he passes the potions aisle and Silver watches as his eyes widen in recognition.

“Silver!”

Silver ducks behind a display of Pokeblock and dives through the automatic doors.

Of course, _of course_ Gold had to visit the _exact same_ Pokemart on the _exact same_ day as Silver was.

Gold calls his name again but Silver ignores him and keeps on running, fumbling at his hip for Crobat’s pokeball before remembering that it’s still at the hotel and he’s got no way out.

His only way out is running and hoping that Gold won’t catch up. The other may be stronger, but Silver has pretty mean stamina when it comes to running. But Gold catches up anyways and grabs his arms, jerking him back so fast that Silver’s face would’ve smashed into the floor if Gold hadn’t caught him.

“Let me go.” Silver seethes, trying to keep his tone venomous.

“No,” Gold tightens his hand around his arm and snakes another around his waist. “fuck, Silver I’ve been looking for you for two whole weeks, where have you been?”

Silver pushes at his arms. “I’ve been hiding from you for two whole weeks, now let me _go_.” Gold doesn’t comply and just pulls him closer so Silver’s chest is pressed up against his.

 _This is not how I imagined this would go,_ Silver thinks miserably. In his dreams, they’re only in this position when they’re dancing together, not fighting like two madmen.

“Fuck, Silver just hear me out _please._ ” Gold pleads, trying to get Silver to look at him but he’s moving to frantically to look at anything, really. At any other time, that tone of voice would push Silver off the cliff, but not this time, he won’t give in this time.

“No!” Is his eloquent reply, his throat clogging. He thought he’d dried himself of tears, but apparently not.

“You’re in love with me, aren’t you?” Gold bellows, so loud that a couple passerby turn, curious.

Silver’s heart goes into overdrive and he tries to push Gold off, frenetic. “I’m _not_ —” He tries to say, but Gold cuts him off.

“You _are_ in love with me, everyone’s been telling me. Crystal’s been trying to convince me for months now and you are, aren’t you?”

Silver coughs and twists himself around, hoping he can get away. “Crystal doesn’t know _jack shit_!” He spits.

“You are,” Gold insists, his voice spiking with desperation, “or you wouldn’t be fighting me right now. I’ve been turning a blind eye for years but I know, I can tell.”

“I’m not in love with you anymore!” Silver lets out a dry sob. “Let me _go_.” He’s causing a scene and he knows it, but he’ll do anything to get Gold off him right now.

Gold wrestles with him, curling around him. “Then look me in the eyes and tell me!” Silver flinches to look up at him, and Gold searches his eyes. “And I’ll let you go.” He says.

Silver is shaking, still wrapped in Gold’s arms, and he can’t say it, can’t lie so blatantly to Gold’s face like that. “Stop making fun of me.” Gold’s grip loosens in surprise and Silver writhes. “Just tell me I’m disgusting and get it over with.”

Gold pulls him back again and Silver almost stomps his foot with frustration. “I’m not making fun of you.”

“You are!” Silver says hysterically, looking up. Even after all this he still wants to kiss him, wants for things to be alright again, but they’re not going to be.

Gold stares at him, disheveled from tussling, before he leans down and kisses _him_.

Silver freezes, but he comes back to his senses and pushes Gold off with all the force he can muster. “You’re such a _prick_.” He scowls, shaking his head. “ _I don’t want your pity_.” Except he’s slowly down, from exhaustion or from understanding, he doesn’t know.

Gold pulls their foreheads together by the back of Silver’s head. “Listen, I’ve been in love with you for years.” He breathes.

Silver won’t believe him, won’t let Gold bring his hopes up and let him down. “No, you haven’t.”

“I have,” Gold breathes, lips brushing his. “I have.”

Silver has stopped fighting, chest heaving as the two stand in near silence, surrounded by a few people who didn’t have the decency to stop staring. He shuts his eyes, and finally gives in.

Gold catches him as he collapses into himself, all the layers and folds of doubt, self-hatred, loneliness caving in him until all he can do is shake as Gold presses his lips to his forehead.

The two stay that way for a long, long time.

**

Gold pins him against the wall and Silver finds himself melting into his grip.

 _This is what it’s like to kiss him,_ he thinks faintly. They stumble and fall onto Gold’s bed and Silver can’t think because it feels like he’s surrounded by Gold, just Gold.

Gold pulls back and Silver reaches for him, scared that Gold will realize that _oh,_ it’s not Crystal he’s kissing but Silver instead. Except Gold’s eyes are light with recognition, warmth, all the feelings that Silver could never express and instead of leaving, he leans down to press a bruising kiss to Silver’s swollen mouth before moving to his neck.

Silver gasps and he _wants_ , but not right now, he tells himself, not right now. “Gold, s-stop.” He breathes, the shudder evident in his voice.

Gold pulls back immediately and narrows his eyes. “I-sorry, I got carried away.” He blushes and starts to get up but Silver grabs him and pulls him back down.

“No, no, I want it just—not, not right now. But later, definitely later.”

Gold relaxes and lies down next to him. “Okay,” He says quietly. “okay.” There’s a comfortable silence for a few seconds before Gold starts talking again. “What do you want to do?”

Silver thinks, after all these years, he can finally do everything he wants. “I just want to talk.” He says quietly, glancing at Gold to see his reaction, just to find the other is already looking at him.

He grins. “That’s cool.”

Silver scrolls his thoughts for something to ask, and he comes up with something that he’s been wanting to ask since they met. “Why’d you become my friend?”

Gold is silent and Silver shifts, feeling awkward, but then the other wraps an arm around Silver’s waist and pulls him towards him. “Well, I thought you were a huge brat at first for stealing that Totodile from Professor Elm’s lab, but then I kept on meeting you everywhere, and I think during the double battle against Lance and Clair was when I realized you were one of my best friends.” Gold looks up at him kisses the flesh right under his chin.

“Even though I’m Giovanni’s son?” He asks, just curious.

Gold laughs. “You might be Giovanni’s son, but you’re nothing like him. Have I ever told you about the time I met Celebi?”

Silver blinks. “I-no, never, I don’t think so.”

Gold shifts again, pressing his lips to Silver’s ear, making him shiver. “Well, I don’t know, a couple of days after I met you, I went to Ilex forest—you won’t believe it, but I met Celebi there. And I don’t remember the exact details or what I was thinking about, but it was probably something about you, because Celebi took me back and showed you,” Silver swallows nervously, “and Giovanni talking. And all I can remember is thinking that you were a pretty bad kid, but I could understand why.”

Silver breathes and turns so he’s pressing his forehead to Gold’s. “I hated you back then, I hated you so much because you always beat me no matter what.”

Gold shrugs and smiles. “I didn’t like you much either, but mostly because you stole that Totodile.”

“But I would always see you around and whenever I did, I wanted to beat you so badly, so whenever I lost, I kept on challenging you. And then I saw you that day, dressed up like Team Rocket and I couldn’t help but liking you.” He stops to take a breath, “and after you became Champion, you’d always chase after me at the Dragon’s den and I just, I don’t remember when, but I started liking you so much,” his throat clogs and he thinks he’s about to cry, “that I always wanted to see you, but it still took me a year to realize that my feelings weren’t just for friends.” His voice cracks and he turns away, but Gold guides his face back with a gentle hand, searching his eyes.

They kiss for a few minutes before Silver’s starts to get dizzy and pulls back, burying his face into the juncture of Gold’s neck and inhaling his scent. Gold keeps on kissing him, his cheek, his ear, his hair and Silver needs him to stop before he faints from how overheated he is. “I liked you so much, and I hated that you were just doing these things because you were friendly, and I couldn’t understand why you chose to hang around someone like me.”

Gold is silent and Silver can’t bring himself to look up at his face.

“I’ve liked you for like, 4 years.” There’s a breathless laugh. “But you were, you know, you didn’t seem like you liked physical contact from anyone—”

“I liked physical contact from you.” Silver murmurs, face still buried in Gold’s neck.

“Well I couldn’t tell,” Gold continues, unperturbed from the interruption. “but I liked talking to you, seeing you and fuck, I always felt like the shittiest person whenever you were having a panic attack because it felt like I was taking advantage of you in that state, just because I wanted to hug you. Then you remember, that day when we went to the club and you told me you were gay?”

Silver hums his acknowledgement and Gold continues.

“Well, the first thing I could think was ‘fuck, even if this guy liked guys, he still wouldn’t like me.’ Because you were always so quiet you know? And you never talked to me first unless I initiated and it took like, four years for you to open up to me after we became friends and I dunno, I felt like you were untouchable.”

Silver looks up, and realizes that Gold is starting to tear up and in all the years he’s known him, he’s only seen Gold cry once. Gold looks at Silver too and laughs, rubbing his eyes and sniffing. “Fuck, sorry.”

“No,” Silver cups his hands around the other’s face and kisses him once, softly. “no, it’s okay, you’ve seen me cry so much that we should at least try to make it even.”

Gold brings his hand to rest on Silver’s, still cupping his face and breathes. “I didn’t think I had a chance with you even when you liked guys.”

Silver laughs, feeling like he might cry but he won’t because he’s too happy to cry. “Gold, you had all the chances since the start.”

Gold smiles as Silver wipes away another tear from his cheek. “You did too.” He whispers, and when he leans in, neither of them are crying anymore.

**

Crystal doesn’t look the least surprised when the two sit her down and tell her. Just rolls her eyes and mutters something that sounds suspiciously like; “about time.”

Silver has gotten better at controlling his blush now that he doesn’t have to hide his feelings anymore, so he just grimaces as Gold does that talking.

Crystal cuts him off once he starts rambling. “Hey, have you guys, like, done the do yet?”

At this, Silver starts blushing and Gold starts laughing. “You mean sex? Yeah.”

Crystal makes a face of disgust. “Well are you guys doing it safely?”

Gold looks almost excited when he starts talking and Silver braces himself. “Well, we tried it once with me bottoming but neither of us really liked it. From my information—and trust me I have a lot—Silver likes being on the receiving end a lot more—”

Silver groans and Crystal turns bright red. “Oh my _god_ Gold _nobody_ wants to know that.” She whispers furiously, eyes darting around to make sure nobody else heard.

Gold shrugs. “What? You asked.”

“I did _not_ , I asked if you two were having safe sex, I did _not_ ask about the personal details.” Crystal looks like she’s about to explode so Silver grabs Gold’s sleeve to get him to shut up.

“Well I mean asking if we’re using condoms is still a pretty personal detail—what?” Gold turns around and Silver glares.

“Gold just _stop_.”

Crystal shoots him a grateful look, but Gold looks far from done. He grins devilishly before leaning forward, whispering loudly enough for everyone to hear: “That’s not what you said last night.”

Crystal slams her hands on the table. “Okay, that’s it. I’m done. There is a limit to how disgusting a couple can be. I’m gonna order our drinks so I don’t have to listen to any more of this.” She shuffles out of the window booth and heads for the waiting line in a huff.

When she’s gone, Gold turns to Silver, and tentatively reaches for his hand. Silver blinks and flushes, but he doesn’t pull away.

Then very quietly, almost imperceptibly, Gold murmurs an ‘I love you’ under his breath. Silver looks at him, before averting his gaze. But not before gently squeezing the hand holding his, and knows that Gold will understand it as an ‘I love you’ of his own.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted a silver who had lots of anxiety and self-doubt and little confidence and bam here you go. also asexual!crystal because pushing headcanons onto other people are great. if you guys see something underlined in there that seems strange and out of place pleASE INFORM ME SO I CAN CORRECT IT STRAIGHT AWAY. 
> 
> also – SAFE SEX


End file.
